Cataclysmic House

She begins to grow even more faint as the monstrous tsunami waves of grievous circumstances continue to crash up against the high walls, eroding them at a distressing rate. It won’t be long till they break and everything the walls are hiding will become vulnerable and exposed. She is not the type of girl to let others see that she has internal demons. It will be the first time that they will be seen by the people who have known her for years. Or so they thought they knew her. She is scared by the storm and by the demons who are torturing her. Her loved ones will be shocked to find self-hate, self-consiousnes, depression, anxiety, envy, and so many other harmful afflictions have overtaken her. The light from her eyes have dimmed and she no longer glows. The menaces inside her, tell her she deserves to wear only the tattered rags that they have given her. They tell her she isn’t beautiful or worthy of love. The worst lie they utter to her is that she does not have a purpose in life, and that she will never accomplish anything that she had dreamed of doing. Lie after debilitating lie, she believes what she is being told. Despair. Thats all she feels, besides the nagging pain of a purposeless and insignificant life.

The great walls she put up around this cataclysmic house, in which she resides, were built to look like love, confidence, abounding joy, peace, and contentment. Walls that appear to be made out of the strongest and sturdiest materials. Frail and feeble are what they truly are. The cement is about to disintegrate as this terror of a storm lashes its fury out on the deceiving bricks of the weary walls who, once so deceptively and energetically guarded the cataclysmic house. All of it was built out of fear. Fear of failure, judgement, and imperfection.

She never wanted to show anyone what has happened to her soul. So she hid it all from the outside world. She wanted to be seen as accomplished and put together and so she built beautiful high walls that gleamed in the sunlight and looked fearsome to sail boats who went by. All who saw these misleading walls, thought a great and powerful lady lived behind them. A duchess with endless riches and virtues, whose life was all put together and never feared a thing. She had everything under control and had nothing to hide. What a brilliant mirage those walls display. This duchess is a damsel in distress in desperate need of saving from the storm and waves about to crush her, and from the devil inside her head.

After the wind, rain and sea have done what they intended to do and nothing is left and everything has been revealed to everyone; there will be a weeping little girl sitting on the bluff where her cataclysmic house and deceptive great wall once stood. Over looking the calm ocean water and clear sky, she will feel relief, contentment, peace, love, joy, and purpose. Her demons will be gone. Taken and beaten down by those who truly love her and the One who created her. She will know no fear or pain because He will have taken that all away from her. She will never need to build walls like that again. For He is enough and completely sufficient. She will want nothing more than to be in His protective arms of love. That is the only place where she will be safe from the storms that surge toward her from the outside, and from the devil who puts lies in her head to hurt her.

She prays that that day will come very soon.


Beyond Your Limit


“Fly, ladies, fly” is what one of our directors always says to us when he wants us to get off the ground in grande allegro.
It’s quiet comical hearing him yell this at you while you are already in the air at a pretty decent height. What, do you want me to sprout wings and actually fly now? There really does come a point when you just physically can’t get yourself any higher up in the air. But that’s when he starts saying “fly, ladies, fly.” He likes to push us. And honestly even though we sometimes complain we like being pushed beyond our limits. I think that’s one of the reasons why I love ballet and dance in general. I like seeing how far I can go, how fast I can move how I can jump how many turns can I do. I love a good challenge. Who doesn’t? Challenges in all areas of life make you grow and get stronger. So why not try and break your “limit”? There is no limit. So don’t let that make you settle and get comfortable where you are at.

Endurance, Persistence and a lot of Hope

I’m not one to give up or quit anything I’ve started. Thats something that was instilled in my as a young child. Have there been times in my life that I have wanted to quit? Absolutely. Yet, never have I quit anything.

At the age of four I was taken to see our hometowns “ballet company” made up of amateurs perform The Nutcracker. After watching the performance I told my mom, “I want to do that.” Of course I had no idea that they weren’t professional or how grueling it would be to get where I am at now. That summer I was enrolled at that ballet studio. I was there for fourteen years. I studied and completed my Royal Academy of Dance training. Royal Academy of Dance is a style of ballet. Its very classical and traditional much like the russian style. I thought I had it all together by my fourteenth year at that school and my sixth year in the company. Boy was I wrong.

After graduating high school, I left during summer for a five week program with a professional company in Chicago in hopes of receiving an offer for their trainee program. Despite the fact that they seemed genuinely interested in me, I didn’t get a contract. My back up plan was community college, and trying ti figure out what else I wanted to with my life. But I couldn’t let it go. I called up Los Angeles Ballet and asked if I could take an audition for their trainee program. I thought hey why not. They are in the same city as me and I NEED to dance. Two days after arriving home from Chicago I went and auditioned. Just took a class with the people that where at their summer program already. It was a very hard audition for me. They were stylistically so different than me. I have never felt so discouraged in my life. I knew I didn’t even have a chance. Yeah right, like a Balanchine company would take a very R.A.D and Russian trained dancer to be one of their trainees. I was done for.

Within the same week they emailed me telling me that they had accepted me into their trainee program. I honestly couldn’t have been more excited and relieved to hear that. I was given a second chance. I am very grateful for that. I knew it was going to be challenging and frustrating, but I’m weird and enjoy those things.

After my first day of classes there, I got in my car and bawled my eyes out. It was like trying to learn chinese by immersion. Impossible. Everything that I had been taught for fourteen years, was wrong to them. My arms, my head, the way I articulated my feet, the quality of my movement were all wrong for Balanchine. I had to relearn how to do everything. I lost count of how many times I wanted to quit in the first two to three months of being there. Yet, I kept pushing harder and harder and learning as much as I could and trying to improve. I’m still nowhere near where I want to be, but I’m striving to become the best that I can be.

“Keep on going.” That should be my superhero catch phrase. Those three small simple words have a lot of power and meaning behind them for me. Keep on going. Press on forward. Eventually you will find yourself where your dreams have been taking you while you were sleeping.

On nights like tonight, I still have thoughts of quitting and a hysteric sobbing fest in my car. Even though I have improved tremendously due to great instruction, I feel like I’ll never make it. So I make myself work harder, and sometimes that helps and other times it doesn’t. This career path isn’t for the weak hearted, minded, bodied. It’s a hard life to live, but to me its with it and I love every moment of it.

My life is one big ball of confusion

My life is one big ball of confusion right now. People weaving in and out of my social life, insecurity over my abilities, stress over family matters, and worry about my future. I feel like I have to figure all of these things out in this short amount of time or they all will explode in my face and I will be left to pick up the millions of pieces. I need to continually remind myself, I am not going this alone. It can all be managed and I don’t have to do it all in the next ten minutes. I may not know what my future holds for me, but I know the One who does, and that should be sufficient enough. 

Natural Beauty

Natural Beauty

Went to the beach on sunday with a friend. We both are so stressed out for somewhat different reasons. But I can’t tell you how relaxing and relieving it felt to be at the beach. Hear the waves crashing on the shore feel the sea breeze and mist. See the beautiful and calming blue of the water and taste the salt on your lips. Most definitely the best place to decompress after a very long and strenuous week and a good place to mentally prepare for another.